Ian Goudie

• "I slept like a log last night; I woke up in the fireplace".
• "Man walks into a bar. Didn't half hurt. It was an iron bar".
• "I've got the best wife in England; the other one's in Africa".
• "I had a ploughman's lunch the other day; he wasn't half mad".
• "My dog took a big bite out of my knee the other day and a friend of mine said, "Did you put anything on it? I said, No, he liked it as it was."
• "I think inventions are marvellous, don't you? Wherever they put a petrol pump they find petrol".
• "I'm on a whisky diet; I've lost three days already".
• "I backed a horse today at 20:1. It came in at twenty past four".
• "I was in Margate last year for the summer season. A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism". So I did and I got it."
• "A man walked into the doctor's, he said "I've broke my arm in several places". The doctor said "Well don't go to those places".
• "I went to the nurse the other day and I told her, "My arm hurts whenever I do that" (does arm gesture). She said, "Well, don't do that then".
• "Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off".
• "A woman told her doctor, "I've got a bad back." The doctor said, "It's old age." The woman said, "I want a second opinion". The doctor says, "OK. you're ugly as well."
• "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine". So that was nice.

  It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?

So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.

What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

My girlfriend's a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself.

I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".

I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

I was walking along the road. I knew I was walking because one foot was following the other. A car drew up beside me and stopped. The driver opened the door and asked me if he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn't need a lift as I lived in a bungalow.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.